Me to myself: Hello, my name is Simone and I’ve been misusing cannabis to cure my anxiety. I’m ready to get to know the new/old me.
Myself back to me: Heyyyy girl! Nice to meet you! This process is going to be hard, but it’s necessary! You a baddie by the way. Give yourself some grace.
I love cannabis. A lot.
I love the smell, the positive side effects, and the sense of community that comes with being a smoker. One of the best feelings is pulling up the smoke shop seeing that they’re restocking your favorite wraps–or meeting up with your plug and having them give you a lil’ extra flower.
I’m very happy that the stigma around cannabis is starting to become a dated subject, and that more people are embracing all that the plant has to offer. However, there can always bee too much of a good thing.
Earlier this month, my anxiety was the highest it’s been in a while. I was in the middle of an unexpected job search and was STRESSED. Cannabis and my daughter were the only two things that were helping to get me out of bed.
Outside of job hunting and taking care of my daughter, I did not want to do shit. The hobbies that I usually enjoy, such as writing and thrift shopping, were not even on my list of priorities.
And on top of my woes, the community was mourning the loss of DMX. I try not to consume too much media, but I could not run away from the passing of DMX. I could not run from this because I deeply understand how addiction can affect every area of your life. Couple that addiction with battling with mental health issues and….chile, you are looking at a recipe for disaster.
I started to battle with my love of cannabis and the knowledge this was not the healthiest way to cure my anxiety. Lowkey (high key), my habit is actually making my anxiety worse.
I noticed that my relationship with the plant started changing when I was in graduate school. When I first started smoking, it was for fun! A way to unwind after a long day. But as I was matriculating through my graduate program, I found myself smoking a lot more often than usual.
I justified my behavior by saying to myself “everyone does drugs in graduate school, I could be doing things that are AcTuAllY harmful”.
There were times where I wouldn’t smoke for a couple of weeks, but as soon as I felt a tinge of anxiousness… I was back at the smoke shop gathering my things. Yes, cannabis itself– in my opinion– is pretty harmless, but if you’re using it to mask your sadness, then you might have a problem.
If you would much rather wrap up with a blanket and a blunt instead of confronting your issues, you might have a problem.
If you are co-parenting and you smoke from the time your kid goes with her other parent until the hours leading up to her returning…SIMONE, YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM!
Lol. Now, babies, I am all about extending some grace to yourself, but sometimes a loving self-drag is necessary for growth.
Some people may believe that weed is not addictive at all, but I personally think you can become addicted to anything.
For example, you can become addicted to shopping, while some people need help letting go of caffeine. Shoot, some of us probably have been addicted to all of these n*ggas at the same time.
But I’m ready to live my best life! How can I preach living without constraints if I am tied down to the plant? How can I truly want better for myself if I continue at the rate that I am going? I do not think I am doing horrible at all, but I do think I am coming up on the end of an era.
Weed got me through some very tough times. It’s also allowed me to meet many other moms like myself who just want to chuckle a bit while watching the same Youtube videos all day long. And weed also gave me the courage to write a lot of these posts (high courage is a real thing).
But at the same damn time, weed slows me down. Weed makes me paranoid. Weed makes me overthink and underproduce. Y’all told me what she was giving, and she carried! But now I’m ready to get to know the new/old me again without the help of vices.
I know that this journey will not be easy ,and I may be tempted to go back. Once I have things under control I may transition into social smoking where I’m only partaking at parties or other celebratory events, but the habit I have now has to be kicked. I am entering a new phase in my life and this is causing me to reevaluate my daily activities.
My baby is starting Pre-K this year and I cannot be up at the school smelling like a pound. I am also slowly finding my stride with my career and side hustles, so I can’t mess up my money…because I got high. Lol. I am nervous and scared of the withdrawal process, but I am excited that I am keeping my promise to myself that I am letting go of people and behaviors that are no longer serving me.