Girl, You Dated Who?: Tarzan Jesus

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Have you ever found yourself being picked up for a date and ending up inside their house? Well, meet Tarzan Jesus, the happy-go-lucky #vanlife hippie who picked up his date from the comforts of his humble abode. 

For our first installment of “Girl You Dated Who,” we will be diving into the unexpected misadventures of travel bae as our respondent unpacks her experience. 

It all began in September of 2015. Amber was building a new type of social media app, and to research, her team was downloading a few dating apps to test out the best current features on the market. The members on her team had already compared notes of stories with guys from the different apps, but Amber hadn’t found a match yet to move forward with to the next level.

While on a trip to Miami, Amber found herself swiping aimlessly through one of the addictive apps before she stumbled upon a man with beautiful dark tanned skin posed on the beach with ocean blue eyes and long blonde hair. A combo that not only resembled Tarzan- but Jesus as well. It should be noted that his profile never depicted him with actual pants, but rather sweatpants and swim trunks- a sign that he most likely didn’t have his shit together. A fact that Amber chose to overlook.

The banter was okay on the app, but due to the other team members already moving forward with dates, Amber thought she’d give this guy the benefit of the doubt and go for a date with him. He seemed polite, and as the time for the date pulled around, he met Amber at the local hotel she was staying in a while in Miami. 

Amber, giddy and excited for her date, was met with Tarzan Jesus outside her home in a hippie bus. 

“Hey, can I use your bathroom? I have to piss,” says Tarzan Jesus as he began to exit his bus. 

“Oh yeah.. sure.” 

Let’s just say romance wasn’t flowing in the air for their first encounter, but Amber obliged and let him into the hotel. 

After exiting the bathroom, Amber began to ask what he wanted to do for the date; Tarzan, unaware of what to say, made a suggestion that most wouldn’t expect to hear on a first date…  “Do you want to see my house?” Amber, taken aback began to wonder what he possibly meant and was met with, “ oh no, it’s parked out front. “ Realizing that he meant the bus, Amber agreed to take the mini tour. The once-standard school bus  from the outside had been transformed into an on-the-go home packed with a couch, bed, and kitchen. 

Amber, completely weirded out, continues with the date, simply looking forward to her free dinner ahead and opened minded to see what happens next. 

As they walked the local strip, Tarzan emphasized to Amber the many places he had been kicked out of and even bragged about the areas where he punched people. The conversation was odd, and Amber was uncomfortable, but the two finally found themselves at a local Turkish restaurant. Unbeknownst to Amber, Tarzan knew the owners and had plans to score a free dinner for the date. Amber couldn’t help but wonder why he would go on a date with no money to pay but kept it positive, overlooking the unavoidable weird vibe.  

After the meal and a few drinks later, Tarzan suggested, “You want to see this beach and stargaze?”. An idea that Amber was happy to agree to. Once arriving, the view was stunning, and as Amber stared longingly at the ocean, Tarzan interrupted her trance to say, “I’m gonna go over there, I have to piss.” A theme that continually killed the vibe. Turned off, annoyed, and weirded out, Amber was ready to head back to the hotel. 

As they entered the bus to make their journey back, Tarzan began to play Waka Flocka as he slowly tried to make a move onto Amber. Once again, turned off to the max, Amber only settled for a quick peck. The two began to make their way back into the city, and Tarzan found himself dropping a plethora of truth bombs, starting with how he wants to be a model in Hawaii and ending with his dream to get his friends to move to Oregon and get a piece of land to create their own society. Amber got immediate cult follower energy. 

Finally being dropped off, Amber couldn’t help but feel like she had just been a part of a fever dream and knew there would be no more Tarzan Jesus.

“Girl You Dated Who” is a series dedicated to unpacking our most inconvenient and unconventional dating experiences. Whether it be an unexpected foot fetish or an overwhelming conspiracy theorist, Temple Indigo is diving into the most relatable and embarrassing dating endeavors that black women experience. To share your story, email [email protected]

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