On a rainy Monday night, I found myself unable to fall asleep.
After opening my window to listen to the raindrops as they fell from the sky, I decided to do a little scrolling on TikTok. Since I was having a moment of tranquility, I felt inspired to watch content centered around spirituality and personal growth.
Eventually, I came across one of my favorite women on #spiritualtok and decided to catch up on her latest uploads. As I was watching her videos, I became enamored by her knowledge of the spiritual realm and how peaceful her disposition is. This woman is the truth y’all! But after a few minutes of watching her videos, my attitude shifted from admiration to comparison.
“Omg,” I thought to myself. “She knows her stuff. I should be further along in my journey. Maybe I’m blocking my manifestations because I’m not using the methods she is”.
All I wanted that night was a little enlightenment to coincide with the peacefulness the rainstorm was giving. But instead, I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole of comparison. I am fully aware that comparison is the thief of joy and that my walk with spirit isn’t going to look like anyone else’s. However, I wasn’t thinking rationally about the situation.
“I knew I should’ve tried that crystal a long time ago,” the thoughts continued. “Damn, maybe I’m not as committed to my tarot cards as I should be”. I started to feel those yucky feelings. The ones we don’t like talking about. Jealousy. Fear. Insecurity. Yeah. Those feels.
The next morning, I decided that it would be beneficial for me to take a social media break. Which, as someone who already limits my social media intake, wasn’t hard at all. Lol.
But this time it felt different. This wasn’t just a normal break where I hide my apps for a few days. I started to feel like I was returning to center.
And I was left alone with my own thoughts. My own viewpoints. My own moral compass. I didn’t have the validation of the videos from my “For You” page telling me that I am on the right track. Nor did I need to check in on my favorite tarot reader’s page for a quick message. Finally, I turned to — and tuned into — myself. I listened to my intuition and started to pay attention to those nudges that I’ve been avoiding.
A few more weeks passed by and I ended up becoming bored, so I decided to see what new things were going on in the TikTok streets. The first thing I saw? The same TikToker that I had been comparing my journey to posted a video discussing why we shouldn’t put people on pedestals, because everyone has a story we don’t know.
This deeply resonated with me because in the midst of me feeling like I was not “doing my spiritual” journey right, I was discounting all of the strides that I have made. I’ve only been taking my spirituality seriously for a year or so of course, so I do not have all the right answers. And of course, this shit gets hard and lonely AF, to be honest. But it is necessary. And as a recovering perfectionist, I am striving to seek progression in my life. Perfection is an illusion.
I’m not necessarily where I want to be — but I am closer than I was previously. I used to try to bring everyone on this spiritual ride, but the Sprinter has been traded in for a coupe.
Currently, I only worry about MY journey — emphasis on the journey. There were many times that I became so focused on the destination that I was micro-managing myself and not allowing intuition to just flow. I used to become angry with myself if I missed a day of writing in my spiritual journal. But now? I only write when I feel called. Recently, I went to the club (very safely) and I swear the Lord was speaking to me through the music.
Which is funny, because last year I wasn’t sure if the club was the place for a spiritual baddie. But now I’m realizing my experiences are what I make them! If the Lord is always with me then, I’m always in the right place at the right time.
That place can be a physical location or just where I am in life… because no matter what, I’m exactly where I need to be. Always.